It might be the Grinch in me, but I love a gift guide with a bit of snark.
Don’t get me wrong. I also love when a gift guide was painstakingly pulled together to help me identify the perfect gift for a special someone on my list. It saves me the time of having to actually be thoughtful, and that’s appreciated.
But sometimes I really just want a saucy gift guide that makes me giggle. And one that maybe lets me think about something other than holiday cheer for a few brief moments while I sip on a mug of hot cocoa.
Given that, I volunteered to write us such a gift guide this year. Also, I’m a person who is often described as “shameless,” so I thought I’d take the opportunity to throw a few little plugs for CRMNEXT in here as well. IT’S THE HOLIDAY SEASON SO HEAR ME OUT. JK. Well, not really – but I do apologize for the yelling in ALL CAPS.
If you’re up for it, read on. Ho Ho Ho here we go!
Bulk Pack – Yellow Sticky Notes by Highland
$8.01 from Amazon
Listen, no one likes to talk about it, but we’re all friends here and we know you’re probably still “tracking” your financial institution’s leads on sticky notes. Stacks and stacks of sticky notes.
Sure, they’re convenient. And sticky (at least for a little while). And yellow. And you get a bit of a discount for buying these off-brand ones in bulk. There’s no shame in loving the post-it note game, but there’s a better way (or at the very least, better colors to choose from). And what is that better way? Oh yeah, that’s CRMNEXT. Check out this short video to see how much more streamlined your lead management can get.
See? Shameless plug.
After you watch that video, see what happened when this rude person affixed post-its to their cat’s paws. That guy is getting coal from Santa in his stocking.
Brother TN760 High Yield Black Toner Cartridge
$76.98 from Amazon
Just like continued and excessive use of sticky notes, I bet you’re still printing off a lot of member notes and requests and tickets and… and thus, you need to have back-up printer toner cartridges in your offices. Look, no judgement here from the writer blatantly plugging her company’s product in a holiday gift guide and including videos in said gift guide that show a cat in distress (I swear I’m really a pleasant person and a joy to be around – HONEST). But with printing anything member or customer-related, you run the risk of accumulating endless stacks of paper for things to get lost in. And also, paper cuts.
But with CRMNEXT, all of your member or customer data is compiled all in one place – so, no need to print notes from disparate systems because they’re readily available in one beautiful platform. Throw an application at me; I won’t be able to catch it, but I’ll bet $153.96 (that’s TWO Brother TN760 High Yield Black Toner Cartridges) we can integrate with it. Oh yeah, and all that data exists in that one place in near real time (legal won’t let me say what I want to say without the word “near” ahead of the words “real” and “time”), and in a seamless and user-friendly interface. Beat that, Brother Toner Cartridges!
HP V21 20.7” LED FHD Monitor – Black
$99.99 from Best Buy
This boring-looking monitor is currently sold out, probably because financial institutions have their member and customer data in so many siloed applications that you have to have 75 screens open at once to jump around between and thus need copious amounts of monitors on every desk just to survive. DOWN WITH SCREEN HOPPING. You hate it, we hate it for you, but the good news is, we can fix it.
How, you ask? BY UNITING ALL YOUR MEMBER OR CUSTOMER DATA ALL IN ONE PLACE TO MAKE YOUR DATA ORCHESTRATED AND ACTIONABLE. Thank you for reading my elevator pitch. If we’re ever actually in an elevator together and you ask for this pitch, I will also deliver it at the audible level of ALL CAPS.
Series 5 Legacy Ash M110 Baseball Bat
$54.99 from Louisville Slugger
That’s right, a genuine Louisville Slugger wood baseball bat. Only the finest for you, my friend.
(Warning… this Gift Guide is about to go off the rails, but in the most fun way. At least for me.)
Now, what to do with this fine baseball bat, you ask? Take your mediocre HP LED Monitors outside to the parking lot. Bring the baseball bat. Recreate that scene—you know the one—from the 1999 movie Office Space where the miserable workers, led by star Ron Livingston’s character Peter, take the crappy office equipment out to the parking lot and (legal has insisted I add: we do not advise actually recreating this scene. But if you must, you do so at your own risk. Please wear safety goggles and other protective equipment) and smash the crap out of it. Smash, smash, kick, smash, kick again, smash, smash.
iDesign 863 Pail Metal Wastebasket Trash Garbage Can
$21.20 from Amazon
Zippo Chrome Pocket Lighter
$15.59 from Amazon
If baseball bat + crappy monitor wasn’t enough destruction for you (also, thank you for bearing with me, I owe you a cookie) and you are also ready to ditch the sticky notes and printer accessory necessities, might I suggest buying this attractive garbage can and lighter.
When these gifts arrive, (legal has again asked me to add here, copied word-for-word, “We don’t condone what comes next, nor encourage it. You take on any risks with what’s to follow and you can’t hold us accountable.”) you place those other items in the garbage can, and you might as well add the smashed monitor bits, and use the lighter to… well, you know what to do (again, your risk, just do it outside, please – legal is really harshing the vibe with all their “necessary” italicized additions). It won’t be as glorious as a dumpster fire, but a sticky notes and printer toner and smashed monitor garbage fire does sound rather cozy and cheery, doesn’t it? You could also add the baseball bat to feed the fire, but it’s pretty so probably better not.
Speaking of cozy fires, here’s a 10-hour long video of a fireplace fire complete with log poking and spark crackling.
S’more Gift Kit
$12.95 from CityBonfire.com
The sticky notes and printer toner and smashed monitor garbage fire might be (read: is) toxic, so instead maybe make a regular fire (again, outside) and then you might as well roast some s’mores (and be careful with the roasting stick… legal didn’t insist I add that one but will be so pleased with the risk mitigation work I’m doing here). And the joy those s’mores will bring to you and your staff won’t even compare to the joy you’ll all feel when you’re using CRMNEXT, the CRM for banks and credit unions built to simplify work, drive growth, and deliver on experience! (Sorry, not sorry. I HAD TO… Also that last bit is legit our brand promise and we really do mean it.)
Bonus, this s’more kit would actually make a good gift for any relative you’ll be forced to see this holiday season.
If after reading this ridiculousness, you’d still like to learn more about CRMNEXT and what we do, click here to schedule a short DemoBites call (there’s a $25 lunch gift card in it for you if you do – and let’s be fair, you’ve earned it after reading this) with someone on our team who will hopefully be refraining from talking about potential dumpster fires (legal will surely have a conversation with them if they do).
This is a parody Holiday Gift Guide blog and the statements in this blog are for reading enjoyment and not actionable execution. Except, of course, contacting us for a demonstration of CRMNEXT or to chat about our product and what we can do for your credit union or community bank. Cause that’s ok. We recommend doing that. CRMNEXT, Inc. does not take responsibility for any damage or injury to you, others, or your property based on what is mentioned in this parody Holiday Gift Guide blog. If you take action on anything listed in this parody Holiday Gift Guide blog, you do so at your own risk. Except, of course, if you connect with us for a demonstration of CRMNEXT or to chat about our product and what we can do for your credit union or community banks. Cause again, that’s totally ok with us. And we’re also super nice and funny.